Emotional Intelligence for K-12 Leaders: How to Improve Yours

As we explored in our recent blog, emotional intelligence—or “EQ” for short—is a critical skill for K-12 education leaders. EQ is the ability to both manage your emotions and understand the emotions of those around you.

Research shows that schools and districts with emotionally intelligent school leaders and teachers tend to have higher levels of student engagement as well as improved academic performance. 

This makes sense. When a student feels like they’re understood by the educational leaders and teachers they interact with every day, they start to feel safe—and like they belong. That belonging has a positive ripple effect that creates excitement and agency around learning as well as confidence in taking risks. The more confidence, the more chances for growth.

Research shows that schools and districts with emotionally intelligent school leaders and teachers tend to have higher levels of student engagement as well as improved academic performance. 

This feeling of safety and belonging transcends the students in your care. Having an emotionally intelligent superintendent or principal can also help educators stay in the field.

EQ is especially important as K-12 school leaders and district leaders continue to face high-pressure, emotionally-driven situations on a daily basis. Giving and receiving feedback, dealing with challenging relationships, and navigating change—all of these are situations where an extra dose of emotional intelligence is essential.

Fortunately, emotional intelligence isn’t a trait that only exists in certain people. It’s something we all have the capacity for. We’ve uncovered several strategies to get you started: 

Get vulnerable to create connection

We tend to think of vulnerability as a flaw. If we show our emotions or ask for help, it must mean we’re weak, right?

Not true. At its core, vulnerability simply means letting people see who we really are, an action that can help education leaders build trust and connect with their teachers, staff, students, and parents. All the same, we also recognize that showing vulnerability is easier said than done, and might require some baby steps to feel comfortable.

That’s why we love this example from Ignacio Lopez, an educational psychologist and former high school teacher and school leader. He recalls giving his faculty and staff a survey during his school leadership years that asked three questions: “What should I stop doing? What should I start doing? What should I keep doing?” This simple line of stop/start/continue questioning was a game-changing strategy for him. 

“It showed teachers that I was vulnerable, and it gave me effective feedback about my leadership,” Lopez says. He also uncovered insights that he didn’t expect. For example, the survey answers showed that his teacher leaders were looking to take on more responsibility—an action that Lopez welcomed. 

Sometimes, vulnerability isn’t about a specific action, but a tone that’s set throughout your school or district. When you build an environment where vulnerability is not only accepted but celebrated, it helps your school community feel psychologically safe. People that feel safe are more likely to speak up, take risks, and lean into their own agency. 

Sometimes, vulnerability isn’t about a specific action, but a tone that’s set throughout your school or district. 

So, if you’re in need of help, ask for it. If you’re looking for ideas, put the call out. Not only will you get what you need, but you’ll also be modeling vulnerability for others as a leadership practice. 

Proactively work to resolve conflict 

If you had to name one action humans try to avoid, there’s a good chance that “conflict” would be your answer. Here’s the irony: When we avoid conflict, it often stems from people-pleasing behavior. We don’t want to make others upset or angry, so we wind up making ourselves upset and angry. 

In avoiding conflict, we get what psychologist and author Liane Davey calls “conflict debt”: the sum of all the contentious issues that need to be addressed in order to move forward, but instead remain undiscussed and unresolved. You’ve no doubt seen this phenomenon many times in your educational leadership career. It usually happens when those in your community feel like they’re expected to choose between being nice to each other and being honest with each other when there’s a concern or issue. In reality, it’s good to be both. 

This is where having a high EQ can make conflict a little easier. Through self-awareness and self-regulation, you can recognize and better manage your responses, as you’re aware of your emotional triggers. Similarly, having empathy allows you to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. 

Here are a few tips to harness your emotional intelligence to resolve conflicts:

• Seek understanding: Ask for the other person’s thought process and perspective before you weigh in. This can help the conversation feel less accusatory to the other person.
• Acknowledge the tension: No doubt about it: conflict is uncomfortable. Instead of avoiding it, addressing it can go a long way toward building trust.
• Recognize fault: If you’re in conflict with a teacher or parent, it’s possible—but unlikely—that you’re completely free of blame. If there’s an action you should have taken but didn’t, admitting it and apologizing can help diffuse the emotion. 
• Remember to follow up: Even if you feel like a resolution has occurred, be sure to check in with the person a few days after the discussion to make sure they feel the same way.

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Practice responsive listening by creating two-way conversations

Active listening—when you not only hear what someone is saying, but understand the thoughts and feelings behind it—is closely aligned with emotional intelligence, as both acts involve understanding and responding to the emotions of others. 

Nicole Furlonge, a professor and director at the Klingenstein Center at Columbia University’s Teachers College, says that while active listening is important, there also needs to be a healthy dose of “responsive listening.” She defines responsive listening as “the responsiveness of being in a moment and being mindful enough to think about questions” you might ask the other person to make it a true two-way conversation. 

Nicole Furlonge, a professor and director at the Klingenstein Center at Columbia University’s Teachers College, says that while active listening is important, there also needs to be a healthy dose of “responsive listening.”

Let’s say you’re a principal having a discussion with a parent, who is frustrated about the lack of communication around a new school initiative. Responsive listening might look like listening actively to the parent’s concerns, and after a pause, “I want to make sure I’m understanding your concerns. What I’m hearing is that you would have liked the school to have communicated our plans in advance a bit more. Is that accurate?” 

Furlonge goes on to say that responsive listening practices make us more aware of the dynamics we’re encountering in a specific conversation, as well as our own filters we bring to the situation at hand. “We are human,” she says. “We engage the world through filters. The key is: how can we become more aware of those filters so that we’re mitigating bias or we’re being open to a conversation that might be challenging for us?”

Consistently reflect on your own emotions and reactions

Self-reflection is an important tool in a principal’s or district leader's toolkit. It allows you to evaluate your skill set, strengths and weaknesses, behavior patterns, values, and goals as well as help gauge how aware you are of your own emotions—and how you process those emotions. 

A good first step to understanding your own level of self-awareness is to document your answers to the following questions:

• Do you experience intense feelings that capture your attention and the attention of others? Said another way, is it easy for others, through physical cues, to understand your emotional state? 
• Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations or facial expressions? A tightening chest, a flip-flopping stomach, and facial expressions such as frowns or furrowed brows are all signs of emotional reactions. 
• How do your emotions factor into your decision-making? Do you try to ignore your emotions, or do you let your emotions make choices for you?

As you start to pay attention, you’ll uncover behavioral patterns that can help you reconnect to your core emotions—not distance yourself from them.  

More EQ = a happier and more connected you

Developing the core elements of emotional intelligence—self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and relationship management—is not a one-time action. It’s a constant practice, one you’ll continue to hone throughout your career.

The benefits of this practice are more than worth it. A high level of emotional intelligence makes it easier to connect with the members of your school and district communities in a meaningful way, feel more connected to your own vision and values, and keep your cool when dealing with stressful situations. 

Embracing the journey of developing emotional intelligence will bring a deeper sense of fulfillment and resilience—especially for your ongoing leadership. 

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